2005-08-16 8:00 p.m.

Negativity

Hello,

I saw Mother today. Mrs Negativity. All negative, all the time. She's ill. Par for the course. When is she not ill? When I spend time with her I am easily reminded of why I don't like to spend time with her. She got a bird a couple of months ago. She is ready to give the bird up. Why? It flys out of her reach. Hmmmm. The eldest cat is sick. She has too many illnesses to count. She bought XMas gifts for the kids, I didn't love all of them. My mistake. She offered to return one of them (she got earrings for the daughter who won't wear them) and then got upset that I told her to go ahead and return them. There's no middle ground.

Ahhhhhh!

Zen's entry reminded me of something I noticed a few years after I moved out of my parents house. That happiness that she spoke of. Actually in my case it wasn't so much the gain of happiness but the loss of that feeling of dread.

I have no idea what flowed through my parents home, but whatever it was it was not good. I regularly had feelings of worthlessness and sadness. I was afraid to try anything new. I watched and listened my parents argue all the time. That was love. I was nothing at school. I had a few friends, but I didn't do anything. No sports, no activities, no good grades, nothing that got me noticed. Well nothing till my senior year. That year I did band and a the musical. Best year in the whole 4 I was in high school. My parents went away for 3 weeks that summer and I didn't want to go so they let me stay with a friend (don't even ask me how that happened). My friend got me into the school band. I probably wouldn't have done it if my parents had been home. After graduation, I worked for a couple of years and realized I could do things and do them well, so I decided to go to college. I did well that first semester, but not so well the next 2 and dropped out. However, in that time I realized I could take care of myself and while I wasn't overjoyed. I was happy. 2 years later I moved in with my soon to be husband and we started our lives together and I loved living with him and making decisions that were all mine (and his) to make. Pass or Fail and I passed every time. What was the doom and gloom that fell over my parents? Why did they feel that a bad decission couldn't be fixed? I should have moved out as soon as I got home from college. I am such a different person now then the one who lived with my parents. I'm confident. I'm smart. I'm not depressed. Sometimes I'm abrasive, but overall I think I'm a good person. I was actually shy when I lived with my parents. If someone spoke to me, I'd retreat. I keep wondering who that person was compared to the one I am now. The poison that was in my parents house was real. It took my father and I'm surprised my mother is still here. She attempted suicide more than once (but only once that I actually witnessed). That's something I hope my children are never subjected to.

I don't know why people are angry and depressed. In my mother's case it's because her expectations are never met and she won't give them up.

Zen mentioned "depression is anger repressed". I heard a different but similar statement ... Before there was anger there was hurt. I guess some of us get hurt and never discuss it and then bury it deep within. Mother is always angry. Dad was depressed.

Me ... I'm hoping to avoid both. My Happiness is my responsibility!