2006-05-21 9:45 p.m.
More of the Same
Nothing special going on today. I'm sitting here watching Deparate Housewives. It's a so-so episode so far.
dh came home from the shore. He had a good time, but didn't get much sleep apparently. He took a nap for a few hours. He showed me a video he made down there. Cars and girls. He even yelled ... Show us your Tits. Nice. My 40 year old husband is yelling this. Nice. Was this for the benefit of his single friends? Couldn't they yell it themselves? I guess I'm a prude, but I'm a little disappointed. Just a little. I'll get over it.
Today I found out we have a ground hog living next door. He was eyeing my garden, actually he was browsing outside the fence. I see a big hole in my future. I hope there aren't any babies.
My therapist told me that maybe I need to talk to my mother. Maybe I need a mediator. I don't like that idea. So I went home and looked through my old journals to determine why I'm being the way I am. I wasn't very successful. Thursday I recieved a mother's day gift from her. It was a rose. I knew it was coming because of a card she sent a couple of weeks ago for my birthday. Friday, early morning, she called, but didn't leave a message. The doc asked me why I opened the card. Why not leave it sealed up? 10 bucks says she asks me the same thing about the rose. My mother and I have bad gift history. She is the hardest person to buy a gift for. More often than not she doesn't like it or she makes some stupid comment like ...Where am I going to put this? Or she gives it back. I think I opened it because I don't want to hurt her. I also remember opening the card thinking ... she can't hurt me. I'm stronger. I'm a big puddle of crap. My stomach sank when the phone rang on Friday. So all weekend I tried to read my old journals and see what got me here. Oddly enough I didn't write as much about her as I thought. Not that that means there weren't problems, I just didn't write about them as much as I thought. Cool.
The one thing I did take away from all the reading is that I don't want this relationship with my mother and I haven't for a long time. Each time I re-establish it to some degree, something happens and I end up not wanting it again. I think I'm doing what I wanted.