2006-02-28 7:48 p.m.
Feelings
Hello,
I just don't seem to have as much time to write lately. Work is busy and lately I've been a couch potato at home. Not sure why. Usually I do a bit more than sit on the couch, but not lately.
I've been seeing a therapist. Can't say it's going well, but it's going. It's not very exciting. She did seem to agree that my mother is wacky and that it was ok for me to distance myself from her. I still have mixed feelings about that, but I guess I always will. I feel like I'm being bad and that I'll be punished. Karma maybe?
Work is so busy. At least we coded what we needed to for the demo. The demo is tomorrow. I'll be interested to hear the feedback.
My homework for therapy was to become more self-aware. Needless to say I haven't. Somehow I managed to avoid my homework.
So why do I do what I do?
Why do I eat?
It's time.
I like the food.
Bored.
Mad. I don't like to feel mad. I just want to numb the feeling.
Sad.
My feelings scare me. I don't want to yell and be mean (but I do). I don't think anyone hears me anyway. dh just mirrors my feelings back at me. He's not a "It's ok" kind of guy. And lord knows I have trouble saying "It's ok".
I had a stupid agrument with dh this week, which is par for the course. They are all dumb.
Yesterday he called me at work because he wants to refinance the mortgage and he wants some paperwork from me. I'm kinda busy and I mentioned that the paperwork was at home in the file cabinet (where he was) and I was a little ticked because I asked him to do this 2 years ago when the interest rates were a lot lower. They are now just about back up to what we currently have. I thought we should just leave it alone. I didn't say that till we talked later in the evening and then he got all upset. I also asked him what the rate was and he didn't know, which I thought was strange and I mentioned that. Now he is yelling at me and telling me how I think he does everything wrong and how could he possibly know? Later he brings up vacation home rentals. He asked me what I thought of the houses he printed out and I mentioned that week he picked was a problem and he gets so mad that he says he isn't going to look for a house, let's not go on vacation. He changed his mind later and showed me some more houses, but they were so expensive. I just don't get this feast or famine thing.
Maybe I'm that way too?
I don't know.