2005-08-24 11:55 a.m.
Codependance
NormalToilet wrote an entry today about Codependance. I had never heard that word till my father died. I think I heard it within hours of his death. My aunt said it. My parents were codependant. I didn't really know what it meant. Though I did realize that my parents were close, too close. (I truly felt they'd be better off if they divorced.) So later I did some reading and found out what this codependance was and why it wasn't a good thing. I have to say that I walked away wondering why no one ever told my parents. Why didn't they know they were destroying themselves?
I also realized I was codependant. I expected my husband to do everything with me. I was completely defined by him. I could hardly make a decission without him and I wouldn't do anything social without him. My marriage changed that year. I found a bit of myself. The self I could be alone with. I went out and did things for just myself and I loosened the reins (possibly dropped them) on my dh. I no longer expected a phone call if he was a minute late or needed to know where he spent every waking moment.
After reading this article I wonder if I have gone over to a different edge. My husband mentioned, not too long ago, that he knew I was holding something back from him ever since my father died. That he knew I didn't want to be dependant on him. I have to admit I did make a conscience choice about that. I will never be as dependant on someone as my parents were on each other. Is that a bad thing?
I don't think I'm counterdependant. I ask for help (hell lots of it). I don't feel used. And lord knows I don't feel the need to rescue people. If anything I run away from needy people. They scare me. I also run away from feeling needed, except from my children. Now that I wrote that I realize that sometimes that's my greatest failure. Sometimes when I'm needed the most I bail. I've never understood that.
Zoot asked about conseling. Yeah I've been thinking about that. I did it once. I was very sick when I was pregnant with my first child. I had hyperemesis (means excessive vomiting) and I couldn't keep anything down. The doctor felt it was all in my head. (Un huh, nice doc) So I go see a shrink. He comes to the house. He's nice. We talk. The mother topic came up, even then. We tried, but I wasn't successful. I tried again, same doc, after my father died and I thought I had resolved something, but I guess I didn't. He wanted to involve my mother (physically) in the conversations, but I just couldn't do it. I still can't.