2005-08-23 7:36 p.m.
Guilt
The guilt is not as strong as it was with the times before, but it still lingers. (See prior entry.) I also worry about how this affects the relationships I have with my children. I don't think I have the same relationship with my children that my mother had with me.
When my sister and I were little I felt we were treated as a unit. If she got into trouble, I got into trouble. I rarely ratted out my sister (except the one time where there was some fire involved and even then I didn't say it was her, I just downright said it WAS NOT ME). I don't really know what bonded us together so tightly. My mother's emotions were a rollercoaster. You know how some children fight to sit in the front seat? (Well maybe not so much now that there are car seats) My sister and I fought to sit in the back seat. We were then out of reach for that hand that would reach over and slap us for some reason I can not remember now or you get to be yelled at (right in your left ear). I used to swear I was put on earth to be her goffer. (But then again I do that to my children every now and again.) I do think I've heard my sister say she thought we were slaves. I'm not sure I totally agree with that, but we did have a lot more chores than our friends. We had 95% more chores than my children have. Mom was a perfectionist. I guess you get more chores with that. I think I said I was a perfectionist somewhere. Well I'm not a clean one (I bathe, I just don't like house work.)
I think I started all that to say that I didn't really like my mother once I got to be a teenager. Who does? She had a vicious tongue, but then so do I. Am I repeating the same patterns? Not entirely, but I'm sure I'm repeating a few.
I don't know. I just want to put this behind me. Way behind me. Happy Thoughts. Happy thoughts.
Speaking of not so happy thoughts. Did you hear about the Pat Robertson story? Now isn't that a good christian. Think he'll be leading the 700 Club much longer? I think his dementia is kicking in or something. Open mouth ... Jump In.