2005-10-31 1:42 p.m.
Tired of Me
Happy Halloween!
I finally got a picture of our pumpkins lit up. It's still a little off, but it's the best I can do for now.
My mother has conviently forgotten that "This isn't working for us". I love it. So now my sister is in the position of having to tell her or I need to do something. I didn't want to put it in writing, but I guess I really need to think about something because I sure the hell don't want to talk to her. I guess this is just going to haunt me till my dying days. I've kept a diary for a long time. I burned the first one, but I still have the one I kept since 1985. It's a boring little thing. I was always afraid someone would find it so it was a bit cryptic. It does have an ongoing theme in it though. My awful relationship with my mother. We were always fighting about something and she was always sick. 30 years and that hasn't changed. How did I get in this rut? More importantly how do I get out?
Crap! Why am I repeating patterns over and over again? If it's isn't working I just want to quit. In my own defense I do sometimes try with her, but then it goes sour again. I even try to tell her she is acting badly but she doesn't seem to notice. She almost ignores me. Or she decides to be blunt and put me on the spot and be confrontational. Am I mean? What did I do wrong? Where do I go with that? Backup a few paces and say Yes and this is what you do wrong? It sets me up. Just like I'm getting set up now.
I'm tired of me.