2014-06-21 7:30 p.m.
A June Saturday
Went to a funeral today. A cousin died. He had lung cancer. He's actually one of my mother's first cousins, but I didn't know him very well. He had apparently been sick for awhile and ended up helping to plan his funeral. Listening to his daughter talk was hard. She is 23. He was 69. He had children late in life, but adored them. It was mentioned many times throughout the service.
I guess this one more than most reminded me of my father's funeral. I wasn't able to talk at his funeral. I just couldn't. I just didn't know what to say. He choose to be dead. He didn't want to be here.
That was not the case with the man whose funeral was today. He had so many things he wanted to do, but when it became apparent that was not going to happen he made other plans and made sure to tell his children he loved them. Apparently he was very close with his wife too.
I'm not sure what how "close" my parents were. I know my mother still defines herself by the relationship she had with my father, but it was a damaged one. I read that they had been arguing and that she had threatened to see a lawyer. It happened in the days before his death. I wonder.
I don't know why I do that. I should leave it all alone.
Mom was pretty good today, though she wouldn't socialize. If they didn't come to her it wasn't happening aside of the reception line. She ended up going outside and walking down the street. I sorta get it, I have trouble socializing. My people skills suck. I made sure to say hello and hug all the people that I knew, but I small talk is a struggle.
And now Mom is such an elitist. I find it so weird. She mentioned more than once that she must be related to everyone in the room, but no one probably remembers her. Which was not true, but it was a funeral. They are talking to other people.
So we left quickly and I got to have another awkward conversation with her in the car. She is unhappy. She wants to drive. She is lonely. It's like living in a prison. She'd rather be dead. I'm sorry. I have nothing. She is not who she used to be and she has trouble making friends. She repeats herself. And oddly only ever talks about herself and how great she was and all the famous people she met while being an XRay tech. I think I need to find a friend or something for her. I'm not sure.
I want to go out, but dh is tired. He is showering, but it could still be a bit before he gets it together.
Meanwhile I'm sad. Sad about the days events. Sad I didn't really know my cousins. Sad my mother is unhappy. Unhappy that I can't really fix my mother. She was always a weird one though. Things were always awkward, just more so now.
The cat is chasing a bug. I suspect a plant is going to end up on the floor.
Oh, he's done. Surprise Surprise.