2007-03-26 8:48 a.m.
Let the Games Begin
Well it's Monday and here is a very tired me. I spoke briefly with my mother on Saturday. Intially I felt good about it, but then I told the family and ... well I don't feel as good any more. Mother was going to come over on Sunday, she said she'd call first, but she never called. I spent the day being apprehensive and cleaning.
I did see a couselor for about 6 months last year. I guess I could go back to one, but maybe a different one. She didn't seem that helpful. She did agree with me that my perception of the situation was that I was being hurt. She encouraged me to write a letter and to send it. I wrote it, but was never able to send it. As much as I was encouraged to do so by a number of people, I was never able to do it.
I thought my words would hurt too much and I did not want to be responsible for some irrational action on her part. As stupid as that sounds, I watched that woman blame a friend of hers for a car accident my mother had on the way to the friends house. (The friend was not in the car and my mother was driving alone.) That's not the act of a rational person. I watched her blame me, my sister or my father for anything stupid she ever did. She got a ticket, it was Dad's fault, she was driving to the airport to pick him up. She broke the table in a rage. It was my fault. I didn't clean the table off. These things didn't happen all the time, but they happened and the car accident was probably 5 years ago.
To be honest, it probably wouldn't have mattered. I might have been blamed either way.
Baby steps. Medication sounds interesting. After all the anxiety I had this weekend, it sounds desirable. Hell, drinking sounds desirable. I wouldn't. Let's see how the next couple of days goes. I have a busy week. School tonight, dd1 is hopefully getting her braces off on Wednesday, a cooking show on Thursday. And god willing I will get some sleep tonight. I'm taking meds for that and still not sleeping. That's not a good thing.
Same old crap. Sorry about that.
Just to top it off, my sis thinks mother is lying about the cancer. I don't even know what to say about that. I'm ignoring that for now or trying to. You can't ask those kind of questions and hope for a rational response. You can't really say that to other people and hope for a rational response. My quest for something normal. Stupid parents. I don't even know why I'm here.