2007-03-23 9:40 a.m.
The Day I knew was coming
So ....
I'm a fool.
I have no backbone.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how I let one person have so much power over me.
I don't know what I was trying to accomplish.
The other shoe fell or maybe it's the same shoe as always.
I never sent that letter to my mother. I never sent any letter to my mother.
My sister informed me that my mother thinks she has a tumor in her hip. Sis feels I should end "whatever this is I have with her [mother]". Sis can't deal with her any more than I can and she wants help.
Mother called the house Tuesday to wish dd1 a happy birthday. It was also my mother's mother birthday. She didn't call for dd2 last month.
Mother called the house this morning and work. A cousin of hers is dying, she thinks her cat is dying (related to the bad cat food incident) and she has to have a hip removed. We need to talk. Even if we don't get along we need to talk. She says. I will probably cave. My sister will need the help. I'm upset just thinking about it. Not that I wish my mother any ill will, really I don't. I don't think it's possible for her to be happy, but that's a different issue. If she could have willed herself to get cancer, I think she would have done it.
So ... what the hell do I do now. Be truthful when I don't think she can handle the truth.
I think about her every day. I wonder if I did the right thing, the right thing for me. I know it wasn't the right thing for her. She needs to talk. She's afraid of being alone, even though she's great at driving everyone away. Great at being negative. Great at wallowing in pity. And all of my relatives felt I should talk to her. Even the children for awhile. dh didn't say much. I don't know what he thought.
So, what now? Why am I this way?