2014-03-20 11:11 p.m.
Mom 2014
Hello,
Since this seems to be my mom diary, I'll just keep it going that way.
Mom is getting worse. She is no longer allowed to drive. She is not happy about that. She seems to be coping, but she gets angry. She really wants to drive and still doesn't think that she is forgetful enough to not be allowed to drive. In fact, she still doesn't think she is forgetful. It's weird. She does forget though. She sometimes doesn't remember the rules to the games we play. She doesn't know what day it is. And she doesn't really remember conversations. Oddly she still functions. She remembers she is not allowed to drive. But she couldn't remember how to get her messages off her answering machine and then the next day she remembered. She got a new radio (last one sorta broke), but she can't figure out how to use it.
She says a couple of nurses visited her from the dementia unit, but she couldn't remember their names. She doesn't even know where they were from.
And I don't know if she takes her medicine when she is supposed to. In fact I'm sure she forgets.
She had eye surgery last year to fix a macular hole. It worked and she regained some vision, but now she has a cateract in that eye and lost all the vision. So now she needs surgery for that. I take her to a lot of doctor visits now. I think I need a full time job just to do that.
I found a diary she wrote in 1998. I had hoped it would give me some insight into what makes her tic, but it didn't. It was full of hate. Hate for my family, my sister and her husband (at the time).
The only thing that it seemed to answer was why my father is dead. Oddly enough I always suspected what the reason was. He thought she was going to leave him. It mentions that he asked her if she was going to a lawyer. I only suspected that because of a conversation I had with him when I was 19 or so. Mom had gone out and they had argued earlier in the day. I flat out asked him why didn't he leave her. They argued all the time. He said he would never do that. She was the love of his life and he would kill himself if she left. Or that's the way I remember it now. It may not be a direct quote.
I've never really liked those "Love of my Life" comments. I'm not really fond of "Soul Mate" either. We make choices and we continue making choices. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe some feel a strong connection, but I've never really though of it that way. I'm not in charge of their feelings, nor do I want to be. I'm also not in charge of their happiness. Nor they in charge of mine. We have to make ourselves happy. Ourselves happy with choices we make. I just don't want that power over anyone.