2006-01-17 2:09 p.m.
Labor
I'm tired.
I'm cold.
I'm depressed.
I've been on the verge of tears all morning. I had my 2nd meeting with my therapist last night. Frankly I went unprepared. I just didn't want to talk about my mother again even though that's why I started this. I spend so much time bad mouthing her and I do feel badly about it. My relationship with her consumes me. I want it to go away. I want to be whole without her.
I don't know why the doc asked, but she asked me if I look like my mother. Now that I'm heavier and older, yes I look more like my mother than I used to, but no I look like my father. However that brought up a story that I used to think was funny ... When I was concieved my due date was determined to be a couple of months after what the it really was, so when my mother went into labor with me they thought I was early. The day labor started happened to be my mother's birthday. The doctors attempted to stop the labor but 3 days later I showed up anyway. I was a fairly normal size and weight, so I wasn't early. When you hear Mom tell this story she will tell you that she was in labor for 3 days and damn if I didn't look just like my father. She was disappointed.
So today that bothers me. It's bothered me before, but not really that much. I adored my father and was proud to look like him.
I still wonder what on earth I carry around and let myself be punished with. I wasn't beat as a child, but there are scars.
Scars I pray I'm not passing on.